Summer Time Blues

I get this way EVERY mid-June.  I really need to go back and find more examples.  While all the teachers and all the kids (and probably a lot of moms) are sooooo excited about summer finally being here and the crazy schedule of the school year on hiatus, I get sad.  This is really the only time of the year I have working mom guilt and really wish I didn't have to go to work.  But it's not just that.  It's also that the end of yet another school year means that my kids are a year older and it realize how quickly it's going.  It's especially hard when my kids had a wonderful school year and I'm sad to be leaving those fantastic teachers behind and have worries that they will lose their momentum or not have as great of a year next year.  (Yes, I'm an advocate of year round school since I know "year round" does not truly mean they are in school year round. But obviously that is not going to change any time soon around here...and I digress.)  Strangely, I'm also sad that with summer here, I won't be getting my kids up and to school each morning for a bit.  As stressful as it is sometimes to get all four of us out the door by 7:30, I realize that it wasn't so bad and I am going to miss it.  I'm going to miss our morning drives to school and hugging/kissing them as I drop them off.

I am looking forward to seeing Caroline in fifth grade next year and all the exciting things that come with being a fifth grader but I also see it as her last year in the "safety" of the sweetness that is elementary school.

I'm looking forward to seeing Bryce in third grade where he will start to get "real" grades for the first time but that always worries me because I know how hard of a time Caroline had transitioning to third grade.  But we are prepared as parents this time, at least.  I just know Bryce has a hard time with changes.

I'm looking forward to seeing Piper as a first grader doing what her siblings would call "real" work but I also am sad that my baby will have the cute, fuzziness of kindergarten behind her.

This summer should be fun too.  My mom will continue with her usual Mondays (Mondays with Bertie!) and I know she's really missed them this school year as it was her first time she hadn't seen my kids on a weekly, child care basis since, well, we had kids!   And then the other four days we will have a off for the summer teacher coming to the house to supervise/entertain them.  (I don't like calling it babysitting since they truly are not babies and they can do so much for themselves including hurt one another..so many adding refereeing to her responsibilities?)

I just need to get into that summer swing of things where I get to leave a little earlier from work because I don't have to drop the kids off in the mornings (cry) and we spend our long evenings outside enjoying the warmth.

But don't mind me....just wait for me to get sad again in August when I'm stressing about a new school year starting and how I'll handle all the fall schedules again after taking it easy all summer.

Don't Make Fun of Boosters

Last night when Bryce was getting into the car after his baseball game, Jason said he was messing around with one of his teammates when CG spotted Bryce's backless booster seat in the car.  Jason said he started making fun of Bryce about it.  (I wasn't there so I'm not sure what was said - if it was a comment or what.)  When they got into the car, Jason talked to Bryce about parenting choices and that the reason Bryce and Caroline still use booster seats is because they make riding in the car much safer.  Quite honestly though, I wasn't really sure how long they needed to be in a booster until just last week when I saw this posted on Facebook:

Boosters are for Big Kids

I was so glad to have read this.  Not only does it make it very clear about the importance of boosters, but it helps you see each of the different reasons they are so important.  (Piper is still in a 5 point car seat.)  This is a quick read, so I highly recommend you taking a few minutes to look over it.  I know neither of my kids is 4'9" (and won't be for some time) so we'll keep using the boosters until they are truly ready.

It kind of sucks that this kid made a comment considering his dad is the co-coach of the team (and we really like him) but a good opportunity to talk to our kids about it and tell them that they might hear other kids say similar things.  I do not consider myself some kind of car seat expert and I know there are other parents who choose to keep their kids in 5 point harness seats as long as possible too and may judge me for having older kids in boosters. However, I do believe "to each his own" in many cases with parenting but it seems that there's a lot of misinformation about car seats out there, especially boosters so maybe this other parent doesn't realize the safety issues with not having a kid in a booster for longer.  Regardless, I'll use this incident to pass this information onto my readers.

Besides after years with 5 point harnesses, boosters really are kind of awesome.  I wonder if at 5'4" I might still need one.  :)

Age Test

I just realized something that I have done with all three kids as they've left babyhood and moved through the toddler and pre-school years.....when I'm helping them to dress, I will pull their pants up too high.  Why?  I never really thought about why until this morning when I was helping Piper (she doesn't truly need help but who can resist her cute little self asking and getting some cuddles whilst doing it).

I helped her pull up her underwear and then as I helped her pull up her shorts, I pulled them up way too high with her shirt tucked into both.  And off she walked, no clue that she looked silly.  Well, not really silly, kind of freaking adorable.  And I realized that I've done that with all three of my kids not as a way of making them look dorky, but kind of because I still can.  Piper's my only one left that wouldn't notice now.  Caroline and Bryce clearly do not asking for help in dressing and when I have helped them (trying clothes on for fall) if I did that, they'd say something along the lines of, "Mooooooooom!  Why are you doing that?" and then quickly pull everything down where it was supposed to be.

But not Piper.  She's still my baby doll completely oblivious to what level on your mid-section your pants/shorts should sit.  And I love that.  Not that I'd let her walk out of the house that way, but just to prance around the house, listening to her music player completely oblivious that her pants look funny.  If you didn't know that I did it, you would think it was something she did (which kind of makes it cuter).  But I also know that those days are numbered.  She pretty much picks out her clothes every day so I have little say in that.  (She tried to wear fleece pajamas last night!)  But I know she's growing up and there won't be many more of these high pants moments.  I guess it will just be counting down to when Jason and I get old and start naturally wearing our pants too high.

Wretched

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like a wretched parent?  Monday was one of those days.  Let's just say that when the kids were finally in bed, I called my mom crying about how horrible my children are.

The day didn't start out any differently than others but started getting bad when at 3pm I realized I was getting a migraine.  My weird visual disturbances began and I took one of my migraine pills but I'm not sure how much it helped this time.  I left work at 4pm and drove home in a complete haze and was able to lay in my bed for about an hour.  My pain was managable when I got up, thankfully, and I went down for dinner.  (I've never had horrible pain like some people do with migraines - my issue is more the disturbing aura phase.  Tingly hands, not being able to see clearly, having somewhat incoherent thoughts and once when I was pregnant with Piper I had a brief period of incoherent speech.  As you can guess, once that part's over the pain is bearable.)

Thankfully, Jason managed to get the kids away from me and I rested and felt well enough to clean up dinner while he went out and put our new deck furniture together.  (Got a new table and chairs and wicker sitting set!)  This is where things started to crash and burn.

Caroline went back up to Sophia's to play, which was fine, but then Bryce and Piper wanted to go too.  Piper can't go out to play without supervision so I told her to wait.  She didn't.  She dragged her scooter through the house from the garage to get outside.  I was finishing cleaning up dinner and banged my head HARD under the table cleaning up the mess Piper still makes under the table!  This was NOT the day to bang my head.  I hurried up the street once I was done, head aching, and caught up to them.  Caroline got angry to see her siblings because she wanted to be alone with Sophia.  But, Sophia's little sister, Ella, was outside so Piper had a friend to play with. I stood and talked to their mom while they played.

But within a few minutes, Caroline was doing cartwheels (shocker) and kicked Sophia in the face by accident.  I wasn't mad at her for doing it because I know it was an accident but I was irritated she just does cartwheels without looking around.  Sophia was crying, Caroline was crying.  Sophia's mom got her some ice and the girls sat down together.  I reminded Caroline how important it was to watch where she was cartwheeling.  Can you EVER stop cartwheeling, child?


I continued to stand and watch the kids play.  Bryce kept irritating the girls because he had no other kids to play with.  He did that last week too but to a different degree and I thought I was going to kill him then.  Thankfully he kept it in check this time.  Then Caroline gets back up and cartwheels and kicks Ella in the face.  At this point, I was about to lose it.  Ella is only 2, yes, but Caroline needs to watch what she's doing!  I told her no more cartwheeling and she went out front.  Which meant that Sophia went out front along with all the other kids.

As we were walking around front, Sophia's mom said they were going to be going inside for dinner and I was going to round my kids up to go home.  But before I could utter a word, I hear Piper screaming.  Caroline had pushed her down.  Ugh.  I yelled for Caroline to come to me and then told all three kids we were going home.  Caroline freaked!  I DO NOT WANT TO GO HOME!  She started acting like an imbecile.  Threw herself on the ground and started pounding her watch into the ground (which I promptly took).  My neighbor just stood on the sideline with her girls and watched in silence...probably in horror.  And because Piper was screaming about being pushed, she wouldn't ride her bike home which meant I had to push it and Caroline is hanging behind me yelling about not wanting to go home.

Nice.

I said my quick goodbyes to my neighbor and walked down the street ignoring Caroline pushing the little bike.  My head was pounding.  Caroline went in and screamed her head off in her room upon finding out she was grounded the next day.  I went on the deck and just sat and talked to Jason while he worked.  Caroline finally came down calm and sat on my lap and we talked.  But before long, Piper was screaming again that Bryce had hit her.  (This child screams over EVERYTHING but this time I could tell she was hurt.)

Bryce had hit her and run back upstairs to pretend he hadn't done anything.  As soon as I told him I figured out what he did he started with the "Piper stupid dummyhead" talk.  Shut up! (was what I wanted to say)

I am just so done with the way Bryce treats Piper and how "dumb" he thinks she is.  At that point though, no headway was going to be made with it since he was in an uproar too.

There was the expected amount of unhappiness amongst the children at bedtime and we finally got them all to bed.  I really was at the end of my rope between my headache and parental frustration.  Aside from their behavior that night, I'm starting to have anxiety about the summer and keeping them occupied while they are at home with my IL's.  I have my work cut out for me this weekend trying to get things organized.  I do not want this behavior to persist for anyone, let alone my IL's.  (My mom has them at her house once a week and they tend to do a little better in the "bored" department since they are at her house and it's only one day a week.)

I've got a trip to the craft store planned this weekend and plan to get some things to mobilize us.  I want to create a bored jar, a summer chore chart, and various other things.  I know Caroline has 2 camps to go to and my MIL wants to have them up at her house for days here and there along with a few day trips thrown in.  I'm taking some days off here and there too.  I always get so anxious and guilty this time of year.  I would do anything for the summer off or maybe just a part time schedule in the summer, but in the world of higher ed, unless you are faculty, you're working.  It bothers me significantly less the rest of the year....practically not at all, but come June, I start feeling terrible about my failings as a mother.  I'm guessing most fathers don't feel that way.

Am I Just Weird?

This evening Bryce is going home with my MIL to spend the night since it is my FIL's birthday today.  The girls would probably be invited too but they have gymnastics in the morning and then we're going up to my IL's house for the afternoon.

There's a good chance we'll end up going out to dinner tonight in the midst of the few errands we have to run.  And here's where I wonder if I'm weird.  Do any other parents get a little bit sad when you go out without one of your kids?  I'm not talking a trip to the grocery store but to a restaurant or some family place?  (I'll gladly go to the grocery store or another errand with just one kid!)  I know that Bryce is excited to spend the night alone with his grandparents but when we go out as a family without one of the kids it makes me a little sad and missing the one who isn't with us.

Maybe it's because of the fact that I'm so proud of my three kids and that being without one just feels plain weird to me. Maybe it's because the 3 kid dynamic is just off and I'm not used to it.  Or maybe it's because I miss the chaos of being out with 3 kids and being so used to zone defense that I'm not used to man-to-man. I do know that when a kid goes elsewhere and we're home with just one or two of them I'm fine with it.  In fact it's a nice break because of how much easier bedtime is and how much quieter it is.  Not that I don't miss the one that's not there when it comes to tuck them in at night but one less kid for an evening means one less chance of being awoken in the middle of the night or one less chance for bedtime nonsense.

Post-Dinner Yuck

I posted about this on FB last night because I was feeling a bit, well, ENRAGED at the time.  I'm just so tired of it.  Every night for dinner, the kids generally serve themselves and the rule is you eat what is on your plate.  Obviously, you can always have more but their first serving is fairly non-negotiable even though they still try to ask how much they have to eat.  Bah!  Then generally, they jump up from the table and go play.  Fast forward to 1-2 hours later and they are whining that they are HUNGRY.  Waaaaaaaaaah!

Last night's dinner though was a perfect example though because it wasn't a dinner that they hate.  Tacos.  We actually make them to order so no one complains.  Bryce and Piper's are vegetarian and Caroline's is carnivorous.  Each child was given one taco (a small flour tortilla) filled with the things they like.  Caroline and Bryce each ate theirs without issue within a few minutes.  I almost always ask if they want more and they didn't.  They just wanted to get back outside to PLAY!  Some nights I remind them that this is it for the night, other nights I don't waste my breath.  Piper picked at her food and ate bout 1/3 of it and said she was "sooooo full."  I told her she wasn't getting anything else and I left it on the table as I often do with her plate.

Last night we ate around 6pm. At 7:15 when we were getting collected to go upstairs to start the bedtime routine, they all 3 start whining that they are SOOOOOO HUNGRY!  Now, Piper still had food on her plate and I can understand why she was hungry so then Caroline throws a fit that Piper "gets to eat."  Nevermind the fact that she ate the same amount as Piper was given.

I told her that the kitchen is closed after dinner and you need to be sure to eat enough that your belly is still satisfied 2 hours later.  I'm not saying to stuff yourself, but if you eat a satisfying meal, 2 hours later is reasonable not to be truly hungry.  (3 hours later and yes, I'd be willing to offer a healthy snack.) My children cannot grasp this concept.  To them, a meal is where you eat the bare minimum to get up from the table.

What I don't understand and having a hard time with is that this has generally been the policy at our house for a long time.  You'd think that we indulge them frequently and that's why it keeps up.  Nope.  And some nights they literally eat 5 bites of a meal that they don't like and then get up from the table.  I'm not going to mandate ever that they have to eat a certain amount, but when will they learn from their mistakes of barely eating anything?????

I also know that quite often when they say they are starving or hungry that they aren't truly hungry, they just want to snack.  It makes me nuts.  We are not a snacky family.  If you look in my pantry for a snack you're not going to find very much.  I do that on purpose!  Some fruit, whole grain crackers and such, yes, but no snacky stuff.  I do have some "snacks" on hand for school lunches but that is the ONLY thing I use them for and I don't like the kids eating them at other times.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm banging my head against the wall.  Consistency is one thing but when they still aren't getting the concept, it's hard.  I want to put a lock on my fridge and pantry to keep them out.  Caroline suggested a "Kitchen is Closed" sign but I don't know what good that would do since we basically say that and it has no impact.

The whole food/feeding/eating part of parenting is probably one of my least favorite parts of the job.  Why do we have to feed them?  Remind me again.  Some days, I don't know why I freaking bother.  Caroline is determined not to eat anything healthy and gets pickier the older she gets, I think, no matter how much healthy stuff we introduce her to.  Thank goodness the younger two are a tiny bit better but they are still major food complainers.

What Have You Lost?

As a mother I've had some realizations lately about the state of things over 8 years into this parenting process.  I often have a hard time recalling what life was like before having kids.  Jason and I often have discussions about what in the world we did with all of our free time pre-children.  We just can't remember!  And while I know how much I have gained in these 8 years and how much I love being a mother to my children there are things that I know that I've lost too.

I remember before I had kids, I considered myself quite crafty.  Over the winter break, Jason and I were doing some cleaning out of the basement I came upon my HUGE craft bin.  I had forgotten how much stuff I had.  I was quite skilled in the arts of making lip balm, soap, bath salts and candles.  This was before Pinterest, people.  I had mad skillz.  Every year in the fall, I would start planning what my home made gift would be that year for my female family members.  I remember my delight at receiving the Martha Stewart Alphabet Soap Molds one year - I made initial soaps for everyone infused with lavender, chamomile, and other delightful fragrant herbs.  I had so many bottles of essential oils and fragrances.  When I opened up that bin in December, I was kind of grossed out at how things just didn't look so good anymore and I had to get rid of a lot of it.

Photoshop fun - Angel Caroline, fall 2004

But aside from not having time to do that kind of crafty stuff, I also feel like I lost the spark to even want to be crafty.  I used to seek out new things to try and create - now those things don't even cross my mind.  I remember when Caroline was a baby and I still had a little free time, I would spend hours learning how to use Photoshop and learning little tutorials online to do creative things to my photos.  I loved it!  I loved mixing my creative interests with my techie know how - I could turn my baby into an angel...cool!  That was also the year that I started making calendars for the grandmothers.  I even assembled them myself that year - good gracious!  (Thanks to Winkflash.com for taking that time consuming part over for me.)

But then I had another kid and my free time became virtually non-existent.  I still hunker down each November and get the calendars done for the grandmothers because I know how much they love them and quite honestly, I do enjoy doing them.  I can't just upload my photos into a calendar layout - I use digital scrapping elements and create my own designs and layouts because I just can't let go of that, for goodness sake!  It takes a lot more time but I'm always happy with the finished product.

Other than that though, I feel like that's all that I do anymore that's creative.  My head is always filled with all the different things I'm juggling between the kids, work, the house, oh yeah and I have a husband too who is often neglected (but that's a whole other post).  But I AM trying to find some time for myself.  I've recently resumed reading again and thanks to my Kindle (and Jason), I now read at bedtime.  I've also gotten back into my 5:30am workouts that I had been so religious about for a year and then slacked off for a few months - I feel so much better as a result even if dragging my butt out of bed at 5:30am SUCKS.  (But when I'm done at 6:15, I feel like I've already accomplished something.)

Although reading and exercising aren't exactly creative.  I just feel like I've lost my mojo on some level.  That my desire to be creative and express myself are gone.  Or maybe it's just that my energy/spark is lost but I keep telling myself it will return.  I look at my mom who goes to the gym, takes pottery classes and keeps herself looking great.  I know she certainly wasn't able to do much of that when she was my age with three kids.  I know that I'd like to become a better photographer, although who will I take photos of if my kids are grown up?   Will I even want to take photos of anyone other than my kids?  Not so much.  Ha!

I don't say these things with any kind of lament for the way my life is.  I'm happy with all that I have on my plate and love my children even for all the energy they require, it's just that I'm realizing that sometimes when I feel a longing for part of the person I used to be.  In some way it's a lightheartedness and whimsy that was only possible (for me) before having kids.  I know it will change as the children get older and I'll long for these days but I guess that is when I will fill the void with more things for myself.

It's funny how life works sometimes.

Is He Playing Us?

The kids spent a fun filled day at my mom's on Monday since they were out of school and I had to work. They had actually spent the night before with her and got to enjoy a morning of pajamas and a big breakfast.  It was such a cruddy day that I was glad they didn't have to venture out.  Although she did take them to Sonic for lunch and that was a well received treat!

That evening when Jason picked them up, my mom pulled Jason aside and told her something that Bryce said to her that day.

"I love daddy just a teensy, weensy, bit more than mommy." (and he used his fingers to demonstrate the teensy weensy bit)

Jason told me about it when I got home but before he told me, he said not to get upset.  I didn't but I thought it was kind of funny.  I wasn't going to say anything to him and realize that kids might indeed love one parent more than another at different times and in different situations.

That evening it was my turn to read to Bryce before bed.  I sat down on the bed and we were reading together and he looks at me and says, "Mommy, I love you just a teensy, weensy bit more than Daddy."

Of course I smiled and kissed him, but I told him that he doesn't need to pick favorites or tell us that.  He just smiled and nodded.  I was laughing on the inside.

When I got downstairs, I called my mom right away to tell her.  I got on the phone and told her that Jason had told me what Bryce had said.  She immediately said that she knows how much Bryce was missing me that day and that he loves me a lot too.  I just laughed and told her what he had just said to me.

Then I told her that all I could think of after Bryce told me he loved me more was that scene from the book/movie Prince of Tides where the (terrible) mother brings each of her three kids into her room at a different time and tells them that she loves THEM the most and not to tell their siblings.  In that case, the mom was picture perfect parenting dysfunction and was clearly doing to to try and endear each child to her and somehow alienate them from their siblings.  I know that Bryce doesn't have some ulterior motive in doing that but I just find it amusing like he's trying to play us.

I think it is totally normal for a child to think that he loves one parent more than another.  He might be angry at one or particularly appreciative of one at a different point which might feel like a swell (or reduction) of love.  I know that while I love all three of my kids equally, I love each of them in very different ways and when I'm feeling very connected to one of them I feel that burst of intense love that could easily be misconstrued as loving one more than another.  But as adults you understand that or at least I hope that we all do since I just can't imagine having a favorite child.

One a side note, a year or so ago an associate at work came into my office to ask me something.  She's here from China studying and often asks about my children.  When she came into my office that day she saw a photo of the three of them and asked "Which one was my favorite?"  I was kind of taken aback at the question honestly and told her that I didn't have one.  She insisted that I must have one because in China it is common to have a known favorite child (clearly with the one child rule this changed things, but when she was growing up the rule didn't exist).  I'm not sure whether what she said is actually true in regards to it being a cultural norm to have a vocalized favorite child, but I just marveled at how insensitive it sounds to someone in our culture.  No matter how much I insisted that I did not have a favorite, she still didn't believe me.  Weird.  How would you have responded?

My Berenstain Bears Rant

I've been meaning to blog this for a long time.  But now I have a free minute at lunch and finally remembered to do it.

So as a kid I LOVED the Berenstain Bear books. Loved them.  My mom did too and I think she still has like 30 of them.  Naturally, I bought them for my kids too and my sister contributed to our collection with a bunch of used ones from the 80's.  We read them frequently and I've always loved the little lesson you learn at the end of the books, usually courtesy of Mama since Papa can be a bit of a dolt.  The year that I was pregnant with Piper, I bought Caroline and Bryce The Birds, the Bees and the Berenstain Bears along with And Baby Makes Five - both really great books to prepare for a new baby and all the usual questions.  Although I did think it was odd (Spoiler Alert if you didn't know the Bear family had another baby) that the Bear Family named their baby "Honey" considering their names are Mama, Papa, Sister and Brother.  And for that matter, why did Mama and Papa bear name their first kid "Brother" when he didn't even have any siblings yet?  Why did Mike and Jan Berenstain not give this family real names?  Have Mama and Papa really been named Mama and Papa since they were born?  My kids get a real laugh out of this argument every time it comes up.   Sometimes we'll pretend we're the bears and name each other our titles - talk about a hoot!

My personal BB favorite is The Trouble with Grownups.  If you haven't read it, it's great for both kids and parents.  I love when Mama and Papa dress up and act like the kids.  I'd love to do that to my kids one day!

Anyhow, as time has gone on we've continued our collection of the Bear family books some old, and some new.  A few years back, my mom gave the kids The Berenstain Bears and the Bedtime Battle.  I admit, I was looking forward to reading it hoping for some ideas from the wise Bears to help with out nightly bedtime battle. WRONG!  This book is the pits.  There is no lesson, it's just a lame story about how rambunctious the cubs are and how it wears the parents out.  In the end, the parents end up falling asleep and the kids read to themselves.  I remember finishing reading it and thinking, WTH?  Where's my lesson?  Where's my Mama Bear wisdom?

That book was written in 2004 and while it says Stan and Jan Berenstain on the cover, based on the artwork it's pretty clear that the couple's son, Mike, had already taken over since Stan Berenstain died shortly after in 2005.  And I must say, old Stan must have been been the brains behind all the wise adages from Mama Bear because since he's been out of the picture, the books have really lost their way.

I will say though, The Berenstain Bears: Sick Days is a decent book even if it doesn't really have a lesson.  It's a really good depiction of what it's like to be home all day with kids, especially somewhat sick ones.  Every time I read it to one of the kids I think how well it shows how a parents' time is spent just keeping the house together when kids are afoot.  Maybe good old Jan had some input in this one.

And then finally, my last rant about the Bear books is that their son Mike has now taken the series into a religious direction as well with the Living Lights series.  Not a problem if you're religious and ascribe to a particular faith, but if you're not religious and not expecting to be going in a completely different direction than usual with the Bear Family, you'll kind of be caught off guard.  (We received one as a gift and even the kids were like, "What's up with that book? It's weird.")  I didn't think about it again until my cousin's husband asked me if we'd seen the new Bear family books - I guess they ended up with one for their daughter too and were not impressed either.  But for the record we really DO like the Berenstain Bears Count their Blessings from 1995 - thanks, Stan!  A great book reminding us of how important it is to be grateful for the good things in our lives without being innately religious.

Thankfully the Berenstain Bear series on PBS is based solely on the original Bear books with great lessons and stories and the kids really enjoy that.  I'm glad that the series is fairly timeless and the kids can relate to them.  So we'll stick to the old Stan-era books and keep reaping from Mama Bear's wisdom.

New Carseat Recommendations

Rear facing carseat until age 2???

Makes me carsick just thinking about it.....glad not to have any 2 and under.

Hindsight

My coworker in the office next to mine is back today from maternity leave after 3 months off.   She's a lot like me actually - we both have our masters in Higher Education Administration and we both did our undergrad at the University of Maryland only 4 years apart.  We both are passionate about higher education so when it came to making the decision as to whether we would continue working after having kids, we both knew working was something that was vital to who we are.  However, that doesn't make that first day (or year!) back any easier. 

I'll never forget my first day here 7 years ago.  Caroline was 10 weeks old.  10 weeks!  I'd been out of work for the summer since I'd left my previous job because it was a live on campus job in Res Life.  Money was starting to get very tight as we'd just bought the house and only having one salary wasn't cutting it.  So when I was offered the job, I didn't want to put it off and agreed to start at the end of February.  I had to scramble to find daycare and figure out all the things a working mom needs to figure out.  I remember asking my former supervisor if I'd have an office with a door knowing I'd need privacy to pump.  Thankfully, everyone was as nice as could be and the daycare provider we chose worked out well for Caroline as an infant.  (We later changed the following year.)  I still think back to the fact that I managed not only going back to work after having my first baby but starting a completely new job!!!  I get stressed just thinking about it now.

I know how hard those first few months were.  I doubted myself constantly.  Constantly.  I missed Caroline.  I felt like a terrible mom.  Oh the tears I cried.  But then, as time went on, it got easier.  We got into a routine and I really started enjoying my job.   And then came Bryce and Piper. It was hard each time I went back to work and I had the same feelings of sadness and doubt, but once we got into a routine again, things had a way of working out.

And here we are now, 7 years later.  I still have my days where I wish I was at home, but far fewer of them.  In fact, I never doubt my choice to continue working anymore.  The kids don't know anything different and we're no less a family than any other.  We spend a lot of time together and as Jason always predicted when the kids were babies, as they got older and could truly interact with us, it would get even easier.  He was right.  Now we can talk about things and laugh together.  We can go places and not have to put anyone in a stroller.  I'm really enjoying this non-baby family we have now.

I know that I couldn't have done it without the support of our parents either.  With my mom always doing at least one day a week of daycare with the kids and then my IL's doing 4 days a week starting 2 years ago, it's been one of the best things that could have happened.  Not only do I have trusted people taking care of my children, but my kids get to spend time with their grandparents and have their own relationships with them.  I love/loved my grandparents but I only ever had a "visiting" relationship with them and it brings such joy to my heart to see how much they enjoy spending time with mine and Jay's parents.

So on this first day back for my co-worker, I wish her all the best!  She'll have tough days and great days, but she'll make it work because it's for her and her family.  The choices we make for our families are our choices.  We know our situation and families the best.  It's not always easy, we figure it out.  Before she knows it, she'll turn around and have a 7 year old on her hands.

Santa Skeptics

Okay, so I know I believed in Santa waaaaaaay longer than most kids.  (4th grade and even that was only because my stupid teacher told us and somehow my mom got me to still believe in the magic that Christmas so I wasn't a true non-believer until 5th grade.)  So why is it that Caroline is already asking the "Is there REALLY a Santa?" question and Bryce is critical of Rudolph?  I mean, seriously! 

I know it would be easy just to tow the line and give them the Santa story and keep them believing, but honestly, I have a hard time lying to them about something that isn't real.  I want them to be critical thinkers and figure out things in our world - why should the whole Santa thing be any different?  Mostly when they ask, I counter with the question, "Well, what do YOU think?"  That's been enough for Bryce and we generally finish the conversation with the notion that the story of Santa is whatever you want it to be. (He believes in Santa but is having a very hard time believing Santa would be able to see up in the sky because he doesn't believe in Rudolph.  Ha!!)

Not so easy for Caroline.  Of course, she's almost 7 and when she's been given some other facts, it makes sense that she would be critical.  Last night before bed we were going through the American Girl catalog (she's getting one for Christmas), and I mentioned that AG dolls are pretty expensive gifts and that if Santa brings her one, she might not have quite as much to open under the Christmas tree as Bryce/Piper since they have a bunch of smaller stuff.  And when she asked why, I told her that parents have to give Santa some money because Santa can't give gifts to kids all over the world on his own because that's too much money.  (I think that this is an important concept for kids for many reasons, especially since there are a LOT of kids out there that don't get much - if anything - for Christmas because of money issues.  In addition, we are working on teaching the kids the concept of money and thinking you can just get anything you want doesn't jive with that notion.)  So after I explained that to her, she looked me right in the eyes and said, "Mommy, tell me for real, is there a Santa?"

Now, here's the thing, I honestly wouldn't have a problem with her knowing the truth if I believed she could keep it to herself.  I'd like Piper to have a couple years of Santa magic to her Christmas and I'd like Bryce to be able to continue his fantasy a bit longer too.  So, I asked her my counter question of what she thought and she basically told me it didn't matter what she thought as she wants the truth.  Way to put me on the spot, Caroline.  You're too damn smart! 

Anyway, then I asked her what her heart wanted to believe and she said that she wanted to believe in Santa.  So I ended up talking with her about how much fun Christmas is because of the notion of magic and how much I loved Christmas as a kid because of that magical feeling that Santa is a part of.  I told her that there are lots of people (and kids) that don't believe in Santa because they don't celebrate Christmas and that's okay, but it's up to her if she wants to believe or not.  I also talked to her about how we are both December babies who are born with the Christmas spirit already inside of us and that believing in a little bit of Christmas magic is fun. 

So I didn't come right out and say it either way, as much as I hated not to but I think she can figure it out for herself, or not.  If she still wants to believe, I want her to.  I remember my first Christmas Eve/Morning knowing there wasn't a Santa and feeling as though it lacked a little bit of the magic.  I'm just not ready to give her that dose of reality yet.  Sigh.  I guess encouraging critical thought does have its price, huh?

Good News for Working Moms

I posted this on Facebook last week and wanted to repost it here as I have a few readers that aren't on FB (gasp) that are working moms and I know would appreciate it.

Working Moms' Kids Turn Out Fine, 50 Years of Research Says

I think the thing I like so much about this article is that it's so positive.  So often you'll read these articles on the debate between working moms and stay at home moms that like to point the finger in one direction that one alternative is better than the other, but in this case it only serves to tell those of us that are working outside the home that, "Hey, you're not doing anything bad to your kids!"  This is such a nice sentiment since I know so many of us who work suffer from occasional (to chronic) working mother guilt.  It just gets so exhausting with those "mommy wars" or "mompetition" sometimes that it's nice to read that the playing field is pretty much equal and that it's just up to us to make the choice that works best for our own families - although this article does touch on the fact that many mothers, especially single mothers, don't have a choice.  Either way though, I know I felt a bit of relief after reading this since I constantly feel as though my working motherhood experience is an experiment given that both Jay and I came from families where our moms stayed at home during our younger years.  Who knows where this will eventually lead our kids or the impact it will have on them, but at least I know I'm not "damaging" them purely by working which sometimes crosses my mind late at night when I can't sleep.  Whew.

Rage

I've been talking to several of my mom friends recently about the issues we're dealing with right now with our beloved children.  It's always so helpful to know that you're NOT the only person feeling a certain way and that what you are dealing with is often "par for the course."  However, even knowing you're not alone doesn't make the situation you are dealing with personally any easier.  I mentioned to one friend recently about the feelings of rage we sometimes feel as parents.  An emotion/feeling that I know I have never truly felt before becoming a parent.  I know after having Bryce and Piper, my feelings of rage were often due to postpartum issues I was having.  But as I type this, I have been feeling surges of rage again.  Thankfully, controlled rage in that I haven't done anything to my children but the feelings I have had bubbling up inside me from time to time when dealing with a particular child are concerning nonetheless.  Jason has felt them recently too.  I understand why animals growl.  If I could growl like a mama bear or lion, I certainly would.

The particular child I am speaking of is Caroline.  Yes, Bryce has had his moments lately but largely his behavior and tantrums, while making me angry, have not left me with any particular feelings of resentment.  I can't say that about Caroline right now.  It's hard to even really describe her behavior in just a few words.  I really can't say she's having bad tantrums because they really aren't.  Maybe the best way to define it is that she's been in a REALLY bad mood the past few weeks.  A bad mood that makes her seems ungrateful and disrespectful to us.  Something that Jay and I do not tolerate.  And speaking of tolerance, she has none.  Oh and patience, she doesn't have any of that either.  So we find ourselves with a child who we truly love down to her core yet don't even want to be around.

One of the things I think that is pushing our buttons in particular right now is how relentless she is when she wants something and we've said no.  She employs the broken record technique in hopes of wearing us down - something that rarely happens, yet she tries it nonetheless.  You can only say no so many times before going ballistic.  Especially when you're running interference with 2 other children at the same time and trying to accomplish something like making dinner or getting everyone ready for bed.  Yes, she should have a consequence for the constant badgering and I know based on the 1,2,3 Magic book that would earn her a one way trip to time out, the problem is that time outs aren't really a good punishment for her anymore and sometimes you just can't manage a timeout when you've got other things you HAVE to do.  In addition, we've come to realize with Caroline that her motto would be, "It's not enough."  No matter how much time we spend with her individually, no matter how much we do for her, no matter how much love and attention we shower her with, it is not enough.  I used to feel as though I was starving her for attention because her siblings were constantly in the forefront and she was quieter in the background.  I've finally come to realize that even when I do take the time to play with JUST her for an afternoon or to do something nice with her, when all is said and done, it still was not enough.  So how do you teach a child to be grateful?  That is something I'm struggling with.

I know that this is a stressful time of year and I realize she's experiencing her own growing pains of sort.  But that doesn't give her free reign to be nasty to everyone that crosses her path (outside of school, of course).  I know that Bryce is a big source of her angst right now having just had a birthday and getting a little more attention than usual along with the fact that he hasn't started school yet and she's jealous of him being home this week.  I'm hoping that the further we get from his birthday and him starting school next week that this will be one source trigger that fades.  Jason has already had a few heart to hearts with her about how Bryce's birthday made her feel and that when it is her birthday he won't be allowed to try and take her gifts and that she'll have her own special treatment too. 

It doesn't help either that she's like this from the second she wakes up in the morning until she's asleep at night.  She wakes up in a bad mood yelling that Bryce and Piper woke her up, even though it's the normal time she wakes up on her own and they just happen to be up and talking - sorry Caroline, you are NOT a princess and the house is waking up and it's just part of being a family.  I know a few little people that always wake me up on the weekends and I don't start screaming the second they wake me up.  Grrrrr.

So I've come up with a new behavior plan we are going to start this weekend when I get all my ducks in row.  I've seen a modified version of it on SuperNanny (with big jars of ping pong balls) and so we'll give it a try without the annoying huge jar and balls!  Basically it's a point system in that each day they start with a number of points (probably 20 in the beginning) on a dry erase board.  As the day goes on, for lower level violations (like whining, badgering, not following directions) they will get one warning that they are about to lose a point and if they don't shape up, a point is taken away.  For higher violations like hitting, fighting, dangerous behavior) they will automatically lose a point.  At the end of the day, whatever points they are left with are banked and after they accumulate a certain number of points (maybe like 50 the first time?), they will get a prize from the dollar store prize box.  After they get better at it, because, well I am telling myself this WILL help, I'll lower the points they start with and raise the number of points they need to get a prize.  I figure it's a combination of positive and negative reinforcement.  I brought it up to Caroline last night to see what she thought and she seemed very interested and wanted to start it right away. I'll even toy with the idea once we get rolling with it to award points for good deeds above and beyond normal behavior.  So this weekend I need to get a dry erase board and a little box of prizes - hello Target dollar bins!

I'll keep you updated on how it goes.  I need something that is a more mature approach to discipline in our house and I think this will fit the bill for the older two.  The key, as with any approach, is consistency and for the parents, it' the ease of consistency.  I think it will be fairly easy for my mother/mother in law to help with too, but I largely think that most points will be lost in the evening hours.

Motherhood Moment

On Saturday the kids had been outside playing all day either in the sprinkler or the splash pool while Jason and I got tasks done around the house because we were having some friends and family over later in the evening.  Jason was doing his usual "man" work with yard work and running "man" errands while I was working on getting the first floor presentable and getting things ready for dinner - all of that in between constantly feeding the kids, watching said children from inflicting bodily harm on one another, and cleaning up the kitchen over and over between food sessions.  By about 3:30pm when yet another snack was requested (after 2 snacks and lunch earlier), I was at my limit and told them they needed to come in and get dressed and take a little break.  Both Caroline and Bryce were tired and I knew they just needed to chill inside for a bit.  I went upstairs with the expressed intention of getting Piper changed right away since she only had a swim diaper on and we all know that swim diapers only hold in poop.  As I got up the stairs I was taken away from that task as Bryce was throwing a mini-fit about what to wear and needed "help."  Took care of that and then was about to look for Piper who had run away and then got sidetracked by Caroline. At this point I had to pee - had had to go for a while but kept putting it off to manage something for the kids.  I ran into my bathroom and there was Piper, standing in a puddle of her own urine.  Lovely.  So not only was I not allowed to go pee myself, I had to clean up HER pee.  Man.  Fortunately, she stood still and I got her suit and the swim diaper off of her and quickly mopped up the floor.  (I'll clean up baby pee on the floor any day over poop.)  Then I diapered her and finally was able to go to the bathroom myself. 

Seriously, this is the kind of stuff that makes me berserk.  Although I was laughing the whole time I was cleaning Piper up until Caroline was trying to come in and gawk and narrowly missed walking through it in her socks.  Seriously, make the mess bigger why don't you?  Thankfully, I'm able to hold my pee longer than my kids.  But this is just the epitome of motherhood - you put your needs off to help your kids even the most urgent ones sometimes.

Torture

Bryce is currently in childhood hell. The lasagna he refused to eat last night for dinner is now sitting on his plate for breakfast. I've never had to make good on this threat before. But since I made it for both kids and it was enough to motivate Caroline to eat hers, I have to make sure Bryce follows through. He's had 2 small cups of apple juice so I feel kind of bad he hasn't had anything to eat yet. But he's certainly making a big deal out of it. Ugh.

Jason shoveled out most of the driveway before our neighbor came by wielding his new snow blower and helped him to finish the job. We are supposed to meet my parents for lunch at noon for my birthday which will be nice to get out. But if Bryce doesn't eat his lasagna, I'm wondering if I should take it with us. I really don't want to back down on this but I don't want to continue to mar my birthday with a screaming, unhappy child. If not, it will certainly make its appearance on his dinner plate. But then, whatever we're having for dinner probably won't be anything he wants either so it's torture either way. I am so tired of food struggles. So tired.

ETA: Bryce ate 3 very large bites of his leftovers and I called a truce. Caroline didn't eat all of hers last night either, but about 2/3 of it was gone so that is acceptable. It's the principle more than anything else. They both are taking notice though that the possibility of this happening in the future is very good so I'm hoping for more compliant eating from here on out.

BOING!

So the bouncy party birthdays - I like them very much. The kids like them VERY much. It's pretty clear that EVERYONE likes them because in the past year, counting the 4 we have been invited to this fall, we have been invited to 8 of them. EIGHT! Whew. That's a lot of bouncing. (We haven't gone to all of them though.)

I get why people like them - they are really simple for the parents and guaranteed fun for the party goers. My kids are practically busting the door down to get inside when we arrive. I even looked into hosting one and was promptly brought back to reality at the $300+ price tag. (And disclaimer here if you didn't know, we really don't do birthday parties so most birthday party price tags would be too much.) But my kids absolutely love them and it is nice how much energy they expel at one of them. I guess we've been invited to so many, there's really no need to even think about doing our own.

However, I have one real issue with the bouncy places. While all the ones I've been to have been clean, efficient, and fun, I really hate how small the party rooms are for after the bouncing. Since my kids are still fairly little and a lot of the parties we've attended have been for kids that I don't know very well, I've always stayed. And while that's easy during the bounce portion of the party, for the "party" part of the party, there's just no room. It seems every other parent stays too and OMG there's not enough room. Not that I need to be right there with my kid, but it feels kind of weird just sitting out in the hallway peeking in occasionally to see if my kid needs anything and make sure Bryce isn't mistakenly given something with egg in it. (Plus, there are a lot of kids that are much younger and still really need a parent to be sitting right with them. Bryce even fell off of the table at one party and knocked his head pretty hard, so maybe I do need to sit closer!) With as HUGE as those bounce rooms are, they really need to make the party rooms a little bigger or at least make the walls around the party room only half walls with counter top so adults can stand around the counter and see their kids. Plus, the party is so "wham, bam, thank you m'am" because of the tight schedule, a bit of mania tends to ensue as the pizza is served, birthday song sung, cake cut, and gifts opened. I've always left there feeling a bit overstimulated.

I guess they are just the "thing to do" right now since every kid has been to one and hence wants their own. Kind of like Chuck E Cheese and McDonald parties were when we were kids. I wonder what the next big thing will be? Either way, we'll be continuing our non-birthday party birthdays for a while - at least until we're coaxed into having one and even then, it will most likely be at our house where the kids can help prepare for it.

Craps for Dinner

If you come to my house for dinner, you'll notice there is a pair of dice on my table these days. No, we're not playing a rousing game of craps or any other kind of dice game, we're getting the kids to eat their dinner.

Even on nights when the kids like what we're having, it's hard to get them to eat. And on the nights they "hate" what we're having (I put hate in quotes b/c they don't truly hate it, they just think they do - I know the difference.), it's even worse! The crying, the whining, the feeble attempts to divert our attention so we forget to make them eat. It's exhausting. And then if they ask how many bites they have to eat, you have to come up with some number that you think is fair, but one that doesn't seem like too many bites or the complaining continues.

And then a few weeks ago I was reading some parenting magazine and it suggested keeping a set of dice at the table and when a kid complains about eating and asks how many bites, you tell them to roll the dice and find out.

I was a tad skeptical but I also realize the power of inanimate objects giving them direction as we've found with things like radio alarm clocks and egg timers. Since then we use the dice several nights a week. They start to complain, I tell them to roll and they do. No problems and they have eaten up to 11 bites worth of food! So far we haven't had any lucky rolls of 2 and truly unlucky rolls of 12, but we'll see. The key is definitely 2 dice since the odds are in the parent's favor to have to eat a half decent number of bites. So far the fewest we've gotten has been 5.

It seems too simple, but so far so good. I'd highly recommend it for your picky eaters too!

Why am I stressing about this?

In a few weeks, Jason and I are going to a wedding that he is also a groomsman for. We've known about it for over a year and I've been looking forward to it. We've already asked my IL's to do an overnight babysitting that afternoon/night because we won't get home until late and the kids will have a great time. But then, just the other day, Jason got the official word about the rehearsal dinner the night before. Naturally, I remembered I have to figure out child care that night and started thinking I would need to ask someone. And while I had actually thought about it previously, getting the official word made me all anxious. Not because I don't want to go but because I don't like the idea of being out two nights of a weekend and knowing I won't get to see kids very much. (I know they'll probably be going up to my IL's mid-afternoon on that Saturday and because my IL's don't live really close, it will a little later in the day before we see them on Sunday.)

Why am I so upset about this? It's just one weekend and it's not like I won't see them at all. But I think because I am a working mom, that I see my evenings and weekends as even more precious since I'm away from my kids 40 hours a week. It just makes me sad to think ahead to that weekend of barely seeing them. Even when they drive me batty, I want to be with them.

Jason has already told me he would be willing to go to the rehearsal/dinner alone, which I'm thinking about, but I need to decide soon. But then I feel terribly guilty about him going by himself and knowing he'll be fielding questions as to my whereabouts all evening. (Lest someone think we're having some kind of marital problem or something. Ha ha!) It's not that I don't want to spend the evening with him, I'm sure it would be nice, but I know that the whole night I'll be thinking that I won't get to see the kids much the next day either and then before we know it, it will be Monday again and we'll be back into our regular routine.

And then I feel kind of ridiculous because I know lots of parents who seem to have no problems leaving their kids for a few days - or even a week for a non-kid vacation. I can't even stomach that possibility. It would be completely wasted on me because I'd spend the whole time missing the kids.

Why does motherhood come with guilt attached? To quote my friend Rowlf the Dog, "You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. There's something irresistable-ish about 'em." So true. So true.

Birthday Time Again??

Bryce's 4th birthday is coming up in a month - ack!! I hate impending birthdays! In December, with Caroline turning 5, I was faced with being asked to have a party for the first time as it was the first year that the kids had really been to a bunch of parties themselves. We ended up just doing dinner out at her favorite place and being together with all of her grandparents, aunts, and uncles - she was pleased and that was all she needed. Whew, dodged the bullet again. So now we are approaching Bryce's first birthday after a year full of birthday parties and he's pretty much assumed he's having a party. It seems just about every single kid in his class has had a party so I guess it's natural to assume that.

A little history - I've thrown birthday parties for all 3 of the kids on their 1st birthday. On their first birthday, it's mostly family with some good friends and I see it as a way to mark the end of their first year and surviving it together as a family. After the 1st birthday, I'm not as thrilled about the prospects of it all.

First of all, it's fairly expensive if you do it out anywhere. We could afford something it's just that is not how we are choosing to spend our money. Recently the kids have been to a bunch of "bounce" birthday parties and Bryce is really intersted in doing that. But I was a bit shocked at the sticker price on one of those - especially since I am not of the idea of inviting all the kids in his class. I'm also not a big fan of Chuck E Cheese (only been once) or any other local birthday venues. There is always the option to do something at home but I'm just not feeling very into it. And that's all me. I also kind of feel that when I end up doing my first official "kid" party, it should be Caroline that gets it since she's the oldest.

I talked to my mom about it a little this morning and I kicked around the idea of doing something fun together as a family to mark the day like going to the zoo or another fun place that Bryce would like. I also already told Bryce I'd be happy to provide food/cake for a mini-birthday party at school since then he could be there with all of his classmates. So I think that is the route we are going to take. His birthday is actually on a Saturday this year so I think we'll take advantage of it and do something fun. If he had a best buddy (besides Jason!) I'd be open to inviting him along, but right now his best friend (enemy?) seems to be Caroline even though he has some "friends" at school but I think they are more just kids in his class as opposed to real friends.